| Actual spam I'm deleting: |
[19 Nov 2009|11:35am] |
The joy of humping
Right packs for night acts
Say Hi! to your huge new pole
80% off? No
Potion for perfect bouncing
With menace proud and insult loud
Terrible internet madness
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| One post every six months |
[28 Aug 2009|03:52pm] |
So this company called LegendaryHeroes sells DVD box sets of stuff, and my wife ordered the entire Xena box set back on the 6th - it still isn't here, so I called and was told that it's backordered and should be back in stock "soon". So a few hours later, guess who calls? I thought I mis-heard at first, but they called back to try and get me to buy the Hercules box set. I was kind of dumbstruck at first, but after the rep said in her most super serious voice, "Are you aware that Hercules is where XENA GOT HER START, sir??" I had to really try not to laugh at her.
(The best part? After I told her that I ordered back on the 6th and they still hadn't shipped the frickin' DVDs, she said she would "call back at a later time". This should be good. I wonder if I can get more exciting information about where Xena got her start from her? Maybe I can put my wife on to quiz her. Do you think she knows Xena was an evil warlord before the series began, and is not in fact a princess????)
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| Hopefully to be a number 1 search result for the name victoria justice |
[24 Feb 2009|11:45pm] |
So, I went to see Coraline the other day - great movie, by the way - and during the previews, they were showing a commercial for some horrible high school musical knockoff. It was totally unremarkable except for the name of the fourth lead: Victoria Justice. I leaned over to my wife and asked if that is a made up name. It HAD to be, I thought. My wife just said that if we had the last name of Justice, we'd name our kid Victoria, too, which is true.
However, should a woman named Victoria Justice be working as the fourth lead in a Nickelodeon knock-off of High School Musical? I think we all know the answer is no. With a name like that, she should be portraying a tough as nails cop who has to go undercover in a prison to beat the corruption out of slightly chubby, grabby lesbian prison guards and the aging, but still beautiful, sadistic, corrupt, lesbian warden. Right? I mean, what country are we living in, nazi china here? Get on the case, hollywood. You're welcome.
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| How you know you're watching too much MSNBC |
[03 Dec 2008|06:41pm] |
Ever since I found MSNBC on my bedroom TV (this model http://www.amazon.com/Hello-Kitty-13%2522-Color-KT2313/dp/B00021HBXQ), I've been watching it at night before bed. I usually put my wife to bed at 10 PM (after checking under the bed and her closet for either monsters or cats), then half-watch MSNBC while doing whatever I do at night. I'll catch Countdown, the Rachel Maddow Show, and Hardball, and by the time it cycles back to 1 AM Countdown, that's my cue to wrap it up - if I'm not in bed by the time it's over, I'm going to be sleep(ier) and grumpy(er) tomorrow.
So, I guess, I shouldn't be surprised that watching it right before bed has been having some strange effects. I had this dream that I was married to Rachel Maddow (of, amazingly enough, the Rachel Maddow Show). I never saw myself, but I do remember thinking we couldn't go to California or our marrige would be invalidated. See, California, you're scaring off the lucrative dream lesbian tourism market with that crap.
After that, it turned into one of my recurring nightmares where I have to go through college all over again. This time for some reason I had to take a bunch of math courses (it's normally computer science) - which is weird, because I don't like math, but I'm not like deathly afraid of it or anything. Rachel was there too, apparently also having to take math courses, or also just to be nice, I don't remember.
(In case you're wondering, dream rachel is very nice, but she always had the same outfit on [although come to think of it she almost always has the same outfit on during her show], and I also only ever saw her from the waist up, again like on her show most of the time. I think she's also good at algebra. )
So that's it: My brain's message to me is that I'm apparently a lesbian who hates college and math. And the lesson that I'm actually going to learn is: Don't watch MSNBC right before bed. I guess it could have been worse; I like Olbermann, but he's always so serious, and he comes off as a wet blanket. And none of us what to imagine what it's like being married to Chris Matthews. Yikes.
And, yes, I know it's said that nobody is interested in reading anyone else's dreams, but on the other hand, fuck you. *
* Alternate ending to this sentance: That is not what your mother said. **
** During intercourse.
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| The pregnant man |
[14 Nov 2008|08:30pm] |
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So, I guess the "pregnant man" is pregnant again. My wife emailed me the story. I told her that I don't really think this is as big a news item as people think it is. This isn't a man; it's a pre-op transsexual who still has a vagina. So headlines saying MAN TO GIVE BIRTH aren't really accurate. I guess PRE-OP TRANSSEXUAL WITH A VAGINA TO GIVE BIRTH are too long. I got into a disagreement over this with my wife. She feels that this person is a man, period. I don't. I look at transsexuals like butterflies: They're born one gender, they change to another. A butterfly is born as a caterpillar and changes into a butterfly. This gets into kind of a strange discussion. When does a transsexual really change genders? I think it's kind of pointless to pick a specific event (like getting the surgery that turns a hoo-ha into a wee-hee); it's like asking when a caterpillar changes into a butterfly in the cocoon. When is it a caterpillar with wings and when is it a butterfly? When is my transsexual friend Madeline a man taking estrogen and a woman with very big muscles who can crush me? Then again, it sounds dumb when I say the pregnant man is a "cocoon", since he still has a vagina. What the hell does that even mean?
The end of this discussion with my wife was her saying "Cocoons don't have feelings," which is true. But butterflies don't have feelings either. So I don't know.
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| Here we are again |
[06 Sep 2008|01:14pm] |
One year, so it's time for an update! Also time to complain about my in-laws again. It's our one year anniversary, so her in laws called up to see if we wanted to go over there for dinner and etc. We said not today, since we alerady have plans. Lo and behold, here they are 45 minutes later at the front door, saying that they WERE going to throw us a surprise party, but here's some cupcakes, and generally acting like we had just thrown a puppy down the stairs. Now my wife is all bummed out and feeling bad. I told her not to, since we offered to go over there tomorrow for christ's sake, and because this is supposted to be our day, about us, but now she's moping around because her parents made her feel bad. And now I'm pissed off at them. Way to fucking go.
Here's the lessons to be learned:
1.) Surprise parties are a bad idea 90% of the time.
2.) My parents in law know how to make any day about themselves.
3.) Argggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Next update in another year, I'm sure. Hopefully not about this same issue.
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| Update 2 |
[04 Sep 2007|09:05pm] |
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My fiance has expressed concern that the wrong person may read the previous update, so I've made it friends only. I would also like to inform all readers that I currently reside in Dubuque, Iowa, and I'm engaged to Agrias Oaks from the popular playstation game Final Fantasy Tactics. That is all.
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| They see me parkin', they hatin' |
[16 Oct 2006|11:37pm] |
SPA's /evk/ directory seems to be muffed up at the moment, which means that all of my images are down. I need to bug a certain someone to find out what I need to do to fix it. Anyways, this is all big news only because I found the following note on my car:
Now, I'll admit that my park job was slightly askance, due to the bizzare park jobs of the cars around me. I cast about for suspects, and I have two:
The minivan with the "bitch on board" sign in the window.
The truck parked diagonally taking up two spaces a few rows down.
At first I thought it was the second cantidate, doing some kind of guilt projection thing. But the writing looks like a girl's, so I think it's the first suspect. I'll give this note 7/10 - I would have added something like "THANX" or some kind of snotty greeting on the end. However, the all caps YOU ASSHOLE!! with two exclimation points and the cursive L in "Learn how to drive" do deserve some credit.
In any case, since this person still has some unresolved anger, I invite him or her (okay, her, look at that handwriting) to a friendly wrestling match, best out of three falls. Loser admits they're a crappy parker. *
Finally, though, my image hosting being down means there's no house tour yet; I can't lean on the kindness of others to host all my pictures.
Over and out.
* Offer not valid if note's author is 300 lbs or greater.
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[24 Sep 2006|09:19pm] |
Well, I'm all moved in.
Photo tour coming when I 1.) get all of this crap put away, and 2.) get the cable hooked up so I have an internet connection. (If you're wondering how I'm posting this, my neighbor's unsecured wireless network powers of justice make it possible.) Until then, though, no internet, so expect even more profound silence from yours truly.
I was going to say, "Even my xbox 360 blog is silent," but it somehow knows, despite not being connected to the Internet, that I played Saint's Row today and yesterday.
(twilight zone music)
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| Borat is getting his own movie |
[15 Jun 2006|06:41pm] |
OK, the second Italy update is almost ready. Tomorrow, probably. Trying to evoke the weirdness of Italy is a little tough. So what's this update? Two things. One is, take a look at my new gamer picture. Yes, it is a Servbot head covered with zombie blood. And number two? Well, take a look at the date. Oh, that's right. It's my birthday, you insensitive bastard. Not too late to send in those presents. Today I'm 24 years young.
Now you kids get off my lawn!
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| Still Awaiting Action Girlz Racing |
[21 May 2006|05:14pm] |
I've been taking a break from using the 360 - sometimes, honestly, just so it won't complain on the blog - to try out New Super Mario Brothers for the DS. I was really happy to get my hands on this, because I love 2d platoformers. Alas! To put it bluntly, I'm very disappointed with New Super Mario Brothers. This game has three big problems, which are:
- The way Mario handles. I know this is supposted to be a direct sequel/update to the first Super Mario Brothers, but I've beome used to tighter controls in games like Super Mario World; Do we really need to go back to Mario feeling floaty and sliding off edges like he has ice on the bottom of his shoes?
- Too many gimmicks. Many, many (many) stages feature some gameplay mechanic that appears once and then vanishes. Such as, let's say, the tall cactus guys in a stage in World 2 that you have to jump over and evade for a stage, and are then never seen again. Or the platforms that expand and contract, leading to some tricky jumps... and then are never seen again. Guys, if you have a fun gameplay mechanic - let me play with it. Don't put it in one three minute stage and then usher it off so you can introduce boxing ghosts or whatever else you've dreamed up. The effect of all of these diffrent things is that the game starts to feel like just one gimmick after another. There's even an entire powerup - the tiny mushroom - that I've seen used a total of three times (I'm currently in world 5).
- The save system. In Super Mario World - released, I belive, in 1991, a full fifteen years ago - you can save whenever you want by pushing Start, then Save and Quit. Want to save in New Super Mario Brothers? Beat a dungeon or a castle and save it. Want to play something else in between stages? Too bad, sucker. Go beat a castle, or spend some coins to open up a new path. When I'm finding myself managing my coins and powerups so that I can save my game when I need to instead of getting powerups for tough stages, your game design has problems.
Minor complaints:
Annoying music. Your milage may, of course, vary.
In the original Super Mario Brothers, there's a bug where if you touch a monster while going downward, even if you hit them in the feet, it will count as you stomping on the monster. This is gone from NSMB, and leads to some cases where I could swear I landed on something's head, but the game insists I hit it in the side, and PS I am now dead.
All in all, I find this game more annoying than anything else. Back to Super Princess Peach for yours truly.
Stay tuned for more silence.
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| Currently Winning America's Next Top Best Friend |
[10 Apr 2006|03:46am] |
OK, I know I said this time would be more Wesley - and how you're all waiting with bated breath for THAT! - but Oblivion, Rumble Roses XX, and Dynasty Warriors 5 Empires all came out in the space of two weeks, so I'm quite overwhelmed. Look for my blistering pace of one update a month to slow down even more in the forseeable future. I was going to take a picture of the game boxes, but quite frankly I'm too busy playing the games to even do that. Here, have a sad smiley face instead. :<
I'll be back eventually; I'm already head of the fighter's guild, mage guild, dark brotherhood, and arena grand champion. Keep hope alive!
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| I say |
[06 Feb 2006|02:13am] |
Since the last entry was about crappy DS9 episodes, it got me thinking: There's easily three times as many horrible TNG episodes. In fact, there are so many I had to split this list into two parts. To my surprise, TNG starts bad, gets kind of good, and then gets horrible again. Seasons 5 and 7 - at which point everyone involved should know better - have a lot of horrible episodes.
And away we go!
Episode Title: All of season 1
Synopsis: Hey, I love TNG, but if I tune in and Riker is missing his beard, I tune right out again. There's one good episode from season one, "Conspiracy", although the creepy, open-ended resolution is totally ignored from then on and it also has gross bugs in it. Otherwise, avoid this whole season.
Why it's terrible: The episode "Justice" features the summary "Wesley is sentanced to death". If they had only carried it out! God damn it!
Episode Title: All of season 2
Synopsis: Riker has his beard, but this season also sucks. The only good episode here is "Q Who?" which introduces the borg.
Why it's terrible: Minus extra points for the season finale clip show!
Episode Title: Evolution
Synopsis: Nanites eat the main computer, then take over Data and break into a brain-frying pop'nlock routine to rave reviews. One part of that sentance was false.
Why it's terrible: "Meanwhile, Wesley Crusher..."
Episode Title: The Offspring
Synopsis: Data builds a kid. OMG IT'S SO TOUCHING! Attempt to contain your excitement as she picks out clothes! Eventually, a cartoon bad guy from Starfleet attemps to get Data's kid for study, or possibly to tie her to some train tracks. Anyways, to resolve the situation, she convienantly dies.
Why it's terrible: "Troi tells them that Lal's functions broke down after experiencing an extraordinary range of feelings in the counselor's presence."
Sofa's comment edited fox news style: I... seem to have as much ill will about it as you. The girl is rather annoying, to say the least.
Episode Title: Hollow Pursuits
Synopsis: Lt. Barclay's holodeck obsession threatens the ship.
Why it's terrible: Here's a double whammy: A holodeck episode AND a barclay episode. And do I even need to mention how lame barclay's holodeck fantasies are? OMG TROI IS IN A WEIRD TOGA!! I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK TO REAL LIFE!
Sofa's comment: Lt Evk's porno obession threatens the ship.
Episode Title: The Most Toys
Synopsis: Kivas Fajo kidnaps Data, because he collects toys, and I guess he wants Data. How exactly he plans on keeping a super strong andriod captive turns out to be by dissolving his clothes. Oh, you nasty!
Why it's terrible: It's 45 minutes of Kivas going, "Now you're my toy," and data being all "No," and so the high point is Data getting his clothes dissolved. And no, slash writers, that's not much of a high point.
Episode Title: Menage a Troi
Synopsis: Oh, that title! You wits you! Anyway, ferengi kidnap troi's mom to use as a sex slave. Shenanigans ensue.
Why it's terrible: "Wesley is promoted to full Ensign and is told that he will be allowed to complete his Starfleet courses aboard the Enterprise."
Episode Title: Allegiance
Synopsis: Picard gets kidnapped and sent to a boring room to argue with three whiners.
Why it's terrible: For a whole hour. There's not even a b-story.
Sofa's comment: I hope you included that one episode where Picard gets kidnapped and sent to that boring room to argue with those 3 whiners.
Episode Title: Final Mission
Synopsis: Hurray! Wesley is leaving!
Why it's terrible: Har! Just kidding. Despite the name, this is not Wesley's final episode. You fucking liars. I was promised flying cars! Where are my flying cars?!
Episode Title: Devil's Due
Synopsis: Some lady tries to scam a bunch of religious nuts by pretending to be the Devil.
Why it's terrible: Well, you know she's not really the devil, and everything she does the Enterprise can do too. So why does it take an entire hour for Picard to just come out with, "I can do that too"? Bonus points for Picard getting transported somewhere in his pajamas after turning down demon sex, which is the best kind, I hear.
Sofa's comment: I like when she tries to seduce Picard. No one seduces Picard.
Episode Title: Night Terrors
Synopsis: Fun fact: Night terrors are a kind of weird, transitory nightmare like experiance children can undergo. Anyway, in this episode, nobody can get REM sleep, and they all freak out for an hour.
Why it's terrible: "Troi follows a distraught Worf to his quarters just in time to stop the Klingon from committing suicide."
Sofa's comment: I remember reading some episode guide where they interviewed some special effects guy who admitted the "Troi flying and listening to the aliens effect" he did was "shitty".
Episode Title: Suddenly Human
Synopsis: The Enterprise picks up a human kid raised by aliens, who is all Rar, I'm feral and star trek has a really bad record with feral kids.
Why it's terrible: 
Episode Title: The Nth Degree
Synopsis: "Aliens endow Barclay with super-human intelligence."
Why it's terrible: It's a Barclay episode. Also, he builds that machine from the batman movie with the riddler and takes over the ship.
Episode Title: The Host
Synopsis: Crusher falls for a Trill, who then dies, and they put him in Riker. And then? Read on, gentle soul.
Why it's terrible: "While Beverly struggles to accept the fact that the handsome man she fell in love with is actually a small purplish lump of tissue..."
Sofa's comment: First, the Trills have weird foreheads instead of spots. Second, Crusher fucking does the nasty with Riker. Third, NOTHING else happens other than Crusher and Riker boinking.
Episode Title: The Game
Synopsis: Riker gets a 3D version of Tetris that gives you an orgasm or something every time you win. But it's nefarious, possibly commie tetris, that starts to take over the crew, until they're doing the bidding of Tetris to destroy the federation. Of course I'm serious. And guess who saves the day?
Why it's terrible: " At the same time, the crew happily welcomes Wesley Crusher"
Next time: More Wesley. What a surprise.
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